The College Experience...Round 2

The college experience is supposed to be "the time of your life." And in many ways, it really is. I couldn't be at a better place right now. I have the privilege of associating with those who I know are among the elite of the kindest souls on this earth. But at the risk of sounding ungrateful, the past few months have not been the dream I remember it as when I first started.

Idaho was an adventure and I was in a new place where no one knew me. I could start over and be whomever I wanted. I didn't study as much as I should have but my grades held their own. I was up for almost anything and fun times were never hard to find.

I came back from Japan, however, as a different person. There are a lot of things that changed with which I am happy about! I learned a great deal about things of an eternal nature and I came back with confidence, knowing who I am and what I wanted to do. I looked forward to coming back to college with perhaps a rose-colored view on my time here before. Adjusting back to "civilian" life has not been the easiest for me. I'm awkward, strict on myself and my performance in school, a cleaning nazi, and practically incapable of letting loose and having fun.

Granted, I have had amazing roommates the past couple of semesters to get me out of mission mode, but I still feel sometimes that even after ten months (plenty of time to adjust back into normalcy) that I am missing out on something. I want to be involved, but every opportunity taken keeps me up night after night until 3-4 in the morning and every chance missed leaves me feeling incredibly sad and lonely. Now honestly, it is 3 in the morning so these lonely feelings could be coming from a complete lack of company in the late hours... but not all of them.

I feel as if I am in limbo between one step in life and the next. I thought this feeling would dissipate through time, which it has to some degree, but not as quickly as I would have hoped. In some ways, it is as strong as it ever was ten months ago. I love the person I have become but I also miss the person I was before. I miss how I didn't feel guilty doing something for myself, taking time to enjoy life and not work. I am glad the mission taught me diligence, but I can't seem to break the extremity yet. If I don't figure it out soon, I feel I will go crazy! Perhaps I already have! A thought which I wouldn't argue with in a second.

I guess the meat of the story is that I believe I have the right circumstances for happiness, I just can't seem to make it work for me. I know I'll figure it out eventually, I just don't know how to make it until then! I know God has given me wonderful people in my life--in Idaho, Vegas, Japan, etc.--I feel so lucky to know and be loved by them. I have so many blessings I want to someday attempt to repay back, in any little way I can, by helping God's other children around the world. Just as I don't understand this limbo yet, I don't know how that and many of my dreams will be accomplished. But I also know the Lord is at the helm, and if I trust Him and allow Him steer, I can't possibly hit the ever threatening rocks and perilous waves.

Thank you to everyone who has given of their time and cheered me up in any way! Your kindness does not go unnoticed or unappreciated!