Monday, June 13, 2011
Let it rain!
I hope each day to have eyes to see beauty in the small and simple things. Everyday is wonderful if I look at it through hopeful eyes.
The College Experience...Round 2
The college experience is supposed to be "the time of your life." And in many ways, it really is. I couldn't be at a better place right now. I have the privilege of associating with those who I know are among the elite of the kindest souls on this earth. But at the risk of sounding ungrateful, the past few months have not been the dream I remember it as when I first started.
Idaho was an adventure and I was in a new place where no one knew me. I could start over and be whomever I wanted. I didn't study as much as I should have but my grades held their own. I was up for almost anything and fun times were never hard to find.
I came back from Japan, however, as a different person. There are a lot of things that changed with which I am happy about! I learned a great deal about things of an eternal nature and I came back with confidence, knowing who I am and what I wanted to do. I looked forward to coming back to college with perhaps a rose-colored view on my time here before. Adjusting back to "civilian" life has not been the easiest for me. I'm awkward, strict on myself and my performance in school, a cleaning nazi, and practically incapable of letting loose and having fun.
Granted, I have had amazing roommates the past couple of semesters to get me out of mission mode, but I still feel sometimes that even after ten months (plenty of time to adjust back into normalcy) that I am missing out on something. I want to be involved, but every opportunity taken keeps me up night after night until 3-4 in the morning and every chance missed leaves me feeling incredibly sad and lonely. Now honestly, it is 3 in the morning so these lonely feelings could be coming from a complete lack of company in the late hours... but not all of them.
I feel as if I am in limbo between one step in life and the next. I thought this feeling would dissipate through time, which it has to some degree, but not as quickly as I would have hoped. In some ways, it is as strong as it ever was ten months ago. I love the person I have become but I also miss the person I was before. I miss how I didn't feel guilty doing something for myself, taking time to enjoy life and not work. I am glad the mission taught me diligence, but I can't seem to break the extremity yet. If I don't figure it out soon, I feel I will go crazy! Perhaps I already have! A thought which I wouldn't argue with in a second.
I guess the meat of the story is that I believe I have the right circumstances for happiness, I just can't seem to make it work for me. I know I'll figure it out eventually, I just don't know how to make it until then! I know God has given me wonderful people in my life--in Idaho, Vegas, Japan, etc.--I feel so lucky to know and be loved by them. I have so many blessings I want to someday attempt to repay back, in any little way I can, by helping God's other children around the world. Just as I don't understand this limbo yet, I don't know how that and many of my dreams will be accomplished. But I also know the Lord is at the helm, and if I trust Him and allow Him steer, I can't possibly hit the ever threatening rocks and perilous waves.
Thank you to everyone who has given of their time and cheered me up in any way! Your kindness does not go unnoticed or unappreciated!
Idaho was an adventure and I was in a new place where no one knew me. I could start over and be whomever I wanted. I didn't study as much as I should have but my grades held their own. I was up for almost anything and fun times were never hard to find.
I came back from Japan, however, as a different person. There are a lot of things that changed with which I am happy about! I learned a great deal about things of an eternal nature and I came back with confidence, knowing who I am and what I wanted to do. I looked forward to coming back to college with perhaps a rose-colored view on my time here before. Adjusting back to "civilian" life has not been the easiest for me. I'm awkward, strict on myself and my performance in school, a cleaning nazi, and practically incapable of letting loose and having fun.
Granted, I have had amazing roommates the past couple of semesters to get me out of mission mode, but I still feel sometimes that even after ten months (plenty of time to adjust back into normalcy) that I am missing out on something. I want to be involved, but every opportunity taken keeps me up night after night until 3-4 in the morning and every chance missed leaves me feeling incredibly sad and lonely. Now honestly, it is 3 in the morning so these lonely feelings could be coming from a complete lack of company in the late hours... but not all of them.
I feel as if I am in limbo between one step in life and the next. I thought this feeling would dissipate through time, which it has to some degree, but not as quickly as I would have hoped. In some ways, it is as strong as it ever was ten months ago. I love the person I have become but I also miss the person I was before. I miss how I didn't feel guilty doing something for myself, taking time to enjoy life and not work. I am glad the mission taught me diligence, but I can't seem to break the extremity yet. If I don't figure it out soon, I feel I will go crazy! Perhaps I already have! A thought which I wouldn't argue with in a second.
I guess the meat of the story is that I believe I have the right circumstances for happiness, I just can't seem to make it work for me. I know I'll figure it out eventually, I just don't know how to make it until then! I know God has given me wonderful people in my life--in Idaho, Vegas, Japan, etc.--I feel so lucky to know and be loved by them. I have so many blessings I want to someday attempt to repay back, in any little way I can, by helping God's other children around the world. Just as I don't understand this limbo yet, I don't know how that and many of my dreams will be accomplished. But I also know the Lord is at the helm, and if I trust Him and allow Him steer, I can't possibly hit the ever threatening rocks and perilous waves.
Thank you to everyone who has given of their time and cheered me up in any way! Your kindness does not go unnoticed or unappreciated!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The Beginnings
I have always wanted to do a blog seriously, totally unsure of where this posting passion came from, but as yet have not been very successful. The point of this blog is to once again attempt at accomplishing this goal. Not that I have anything particularly interesting to say to the world, but I do hope to add something to it.
One thing that has been on my mind a lot lately has been the concept of charity. The prophet Moroni defines charity as "the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever..." (Moroni 7:47). I love the wording "endureth forever." When I think of the word "endure," it doesn't quite bring a positive image. Something that endures lasts despite of something negative or harsh beating against it, much like the ship enduring the storm, or the hiker enduring through the changing climates and steep climbs of the mountain. Yet always at the end of enduring, something beautiful emerges. Suddenly the long, hard trip is worth the work and the result is sweeter because of the struggle.
Lately I've been trying to improve my heart and be that charitable person I want to be. I find myself constantly breaking that desire with harsh judgments against those I meet, completely lacking that love which I thought I was gaining. Charity is not just a love that comes easily. It endureth through the harsh storms, whether those rains come from those hard-to-love people or from within your own hard heart. An enduring love lasts through everything that tests it. It is called the love of Christ because Jesus Christ's love for us was tested to the most gruesome level, endured through the most bitter persecutions, yet he still remained true to His mission and love. His love was perfect and unyielding to all that tried to tear it down. It never wavered. Christ showed true charity even to those who spit upon Him, flogged Him, and crucified Him. Never were His thoughts turned inwardly, but always outwardly to those He was enduring all of this for.
I know I can never amount to the perfection of the Savior in this life, but He certainly gave me the gift to know what true love is like. When I am harsh on others or myself, I know how powerful God's love is. It doesn't matter how bad I screw up sometimes, or how cruel the world can seem to be to each other; the Lord loves them and me more than I could ever understand. He suffered so that, someday, all tears will be wiped away and all sorrows forgotten (Isaiah 25:8). He did that for all of us. I want to remember this the next time someone speaks to me grumpily, or seemingly never remembers to put their dishes into the dishwasher, or when I beat myself up about something I wish I could have done better. We are all here on this earth together, all facing different struggles, experiencing sorrows that makes our own hearts break. What makes my sorrow any more important than another's? Christ loves me as much as He does anyone else, and He wants all to be comforted and happy through His grace and love.
Gaining charity, this enduring love of Christ, could possibly take me a lifetime to fully grasp, but I want to move a step closer every day that I can. It is only when I work towards this that I truly feel happy. Living the commandments of God is an enduring happiness and I am so grateful for this blessing in my life.
One thing that has been on my mind a lot lately has been the concept of charity. The prophet Moroni defines charity as "the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever..." (Moroni 7:47). I love the wording "endureth forever." When I think of the word "endure," it doesn't quite bring a positive image. Something that endures lasts despite of something negative or harsh beating against it, much like the ship enduring the storm, or the hiker enduring through the changing climates and steep climbs of the mountain. Yet always at the end of enduring, something beautiful emerges. Suddenly the long, hard trip is worth the work and the result is sweeter because of the struggle.
Lately I've been trying to improve my heart and be that charitable person I want to be. I find myself constantly breaking that desire with harsh judgments against those I meet, completely lacking that love which I thought I was gaining. Charity is not just a love that comes easily. It endureth through the harsh storms, whether those rains come from those hard-to-love people or from within your own hard heart. An enduring love lasts through everything that tests it. It is called the love of Christ because Jesus Christ's love for us was tested to the most gruesome level, endured through the most bitter persecutions, yet he still remained true to His mission and love. His love was perfect and unyielding to all that tried to tear it down. It never wavered. Christ showed true charity even to those who spit upon Him, flogged Him, and crucified Him. Never were His thoughts turned inwardly, but always outwardly to those He was enduring all of this for.
I know I can never amount to the perfection of the Savior in this life, but He certainly gave me the gift to know what true love is like. When I am harsh on others or myself, I know how powerful God's love is. It doesn't matter how bad I screw up sometimes, or how cruel the world can seem to be to each other; the Lord loves them and me more than I could ever understand. He suffered so that, someday, all tears will be wiped away and all sorrows forgotten (Isaiah 25:8). He did that for all of us. I want to remember this the next time someone speaks to me grumpily, or seemingly never remembers to put their dishes into the dishwasher, or when I beat myself up about something I wish I could have done better. We are all here on this earth together, all facing different struggles, experiencing sorrows that makes our own hearts break. What makes my sorrow any more important than another's? Christ loves me as much as He does anyone else, and He wants all to be comforted and happy through His grace and love.
Gaining charity, this enduring love of Christ, could possibly take me a lifetime to fully grasp, but I want to move a step closer every day that I can. It is only when I work towards this that I truly feel happy. Living the commandments of God is an enduring happiness and I am so grateful for this blessing in my life.
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